I see that being happy and feeling good has become an obsession in people. I think that American popular psychology and the “personal development” industry that emerged in this direction have a great contribution to this. Everyone accepts the value of feeling good and having good feelings. However, life is a river and in this river there are good experiences such as getting a diploma, falling in love, getting a good job, having a child, getting promoted; as well as bad experiences such as failing, being abandoned, being unemployed, being betrayed, losing a loved one, getting sick. No one can say, “Let the good things come to me, let the bad things go wherever they may.” Just as every living being is destined to “taste death,” failures and bad experiences are also a part of life.
Negative emotions such as anger and envy are almost considered sins; it is not welcome to bring feelings such as jealousy and disappointment into daily conversations; feelings such as sadness and shame are considered “unhealthy,” “negative,” and even “bad and evil” emotions. People get angry with themselves because they experience these feelings, and they try to suppress them, distance themselves from themselves, and get rid of these feelings through medication and therapy.
Emotions have evolved throughout human history and trigger changes at different levels behind our threshold of consciousness to help us reach our goals. Emotions allow us to notice threats and opportunities and to organize our behaviors in a way that will benefit us. Especially negative emotions are the guardians of a person’s life, property, and reputation. When evaluated from an evolutionary perspective, if it were not for the negative emotions that we do not like to experience and avoid today, it would not be possible to sustain life.
Fear and Anxiety
In Turkish culture, fear is mostly considered a degrading emotion. “Fearlessness” is presented as a virtue. However, fear is a very human emotion and helps a person protect their property, life, and reputation. The amygdala (almond) core, located in the deepest part of the human brain (which also means old in terms of evolution), makes a quick decision in a situation that threatens the person and initiates the famous “fight-flight” reaction. Fear occurs in the face of a real threat.
In order to protect children who are unaware of the threats and dangers of the outside world, some fears need to be taught. For this reason, it is not expected for the child to experience these experiences so that he does not put his hand into an electrical outlet or stay away from boiling water. A person who has no fear is open to all kinds of dangers. For example, speeding excessively during youth, using substances, and unprotected sexual intercourse can bring burdens that the person will have to carry throughout his life. Similarly, believing that he is capable of everything while being intoxicated with excessive power can cause the person to behave recklessly and damage his reputation.
In contrast, anxiety does not occur with the existence of a real threat, but as a result of the expectation of it. Entering a competition, working under time pressure, being tested, and being controlled create anxiety in the person. However, a certain level of anxiety is necessary to be successful in any job. It is not possible to be successful in anything by staying at a point of physical, emotional and mental comfort. Anxiety to a certain level allows the person to be alert, energetic, careful and disciplined.
Regret and Disappointment
Every person has experienced disappointment in their life. There is no person who has not experienced disappointment in their emotional relationships, financial decisions, career path, and business life. Because making mistakes and failure are the most natural parts of life. For this reason, every person has failed in their life and regretted saying “I wish”. Disappointment and regret lead a person to think about their mistakes and provide a unique opportunity to turn the mistake they made into an opportunity to learn. Just as saying “I have never made a mistake in my life” is unrealistic; saying “I have no regrets” is a sign of a weak ego and insufficient insight (awareness).
Shame, Guilt and Embarrassment
Humans are living beings that live in communities. Therefore, it is important to adapt to the group and get along well. Adaptation to the community actually means compliance with social and moral norms. Starting from childhood, mothers and fathers try to teach their children that farts should not be passed in the community and that the mouth should be covered when sneezing. In case of violation of one of these rules, there is a need to make up for it. Thus, an apology is made or an initiative is taken to alleviate the negative impact created.
People who lack shame, guilt, and embarrassment are rude, self-centered, lacking in empathy, and indifferent. Those around them do not like such people, but they “put up with” them because of their material power or status.
Sadness and Mourning
Sadness and mourning are among the most avoided emotions in life. After a significant loss, close friends often try to distract the person from their sadness, distract them, and comfort them by changing the subject. However, mourning after a significant loss is extremely normal and necessary. Experiencing grief is a healthy emotion that leads a person to review a valued relationship, refresh their memories, and think about how they will manage their life without that relationship. If grief exceeds three months or extends, professional help may be necessary.
Sadness, on the other hand, occurs as a result of a loss or the anticipation of a possible loss. The feeling of sadness that results from hurting a loved one or encountering an undesirable outcome related to work leads a person to think about their mistakes. Sadness allows a person to think more rationally and evaluate their options better in the next step. The feeling of sadness that includes other people paves the way for a person to be more sensitive to social norms and, as a result, to develop behaviors that earn a person respect, such as politeness and courtesy.
As with regret and disappointment, the expression of sadness also makes it easier for a person to get help from their environment. Depression is a long-lasting sadness and if it disrupts a person’s daily life, professional help may be needed.
Envy and Jealousy
Seeing that someone else is better than you in a subject that you feel good about distresses people and causes negative emotions. Children experience this feeling when they first enter play groups with rules. A child who has won all the games he has played at home and sees himself as omnipotent (all-powerful) encounters a bundle of emotions that he has never known before, if he has no siblings.
In fact, behind the success of many people in a certain field lies the effort to surpass the good examples he sees around him in that field. Seeing that there are people better than him around him distresses people. If a person sees himself as much below those around him, this leads to the experience of a cluster of negative emotions consisting of shame, hostility and disappointment.
Envy and jealousy can have negative results, but they can also lead us to work towards overcoming the person who makes us experience these feelings. Van de Ven from Tilburg University found that feelings of envy and jealousy positively affect persistence and performance in creative work².
Jealousy, on the other hand, arises from the possibility or reality of sharing a loved one with another person. Abandonment and exclusion are very strong emotions and can lead to harsh reactions that accompany them. “The possibility of sharing a loved one with another” is a very vague expression and many relationships that start off well are poisoned in this way. On the other hand, jealousy experienced between mature couples provides the opportunity to reconsider the relationship and establish it on more solid foundations.
Anger
Anger is a secondary emotion. There are different reasons underlying the anger that appears on the iceberg. People get angry when they feel they are not understood or not cared for. For example, lying is one of the most common reasons for anger. The reason for the anger experienced by the person when they believe the other person is lying is the feeling of being “taken for a fool”. Similarly, the person’s feeling of being wronged also causes them to get angry. Being blocked, in other words, not having your wish fulfilled, is another reason for anger. Research has shown that anger felt in the face of obstacles mobilizes a person to achieve their goals and helps them develop insight.³
As can be understood, what makes people angry is not what they experience objectively, but the interpretation they quickly make in their own minds about these experiences and the meaning they attribute to them as a result.
Anger can have positive results not only on a personal level but also on a social level. Behind many of the rights that workers and women have received throughout history is the rebellion triggered by anger. One study has also shown that angry people are surprisingly more optimistic⁴.
The critical threshold for anger is to control the reaction and not to be wrong when you are right. Because what is important is not to be right, but to remain right. What is important is not to see the person’s anger as the reason for being right. Anger shown to the right person, at the right time and at the right level also allows for solution-oriented and constructive communication.
Surprise and Distress
Encountering new and complex information surprises, confuses and distresses people. Surprise makes people think that they are faced with conditions outside of what they are used to; it threatens their sense of trust, competence and control. Overcoming this feeling is possible by gathering themselves and systematically putting the pieces back together. When a person does this, they have learned something new, placed what they know in a new framework outside of what they are used to and developed. If they cannot do this, the frustration they experience causes anxiety and anger.
Similarly, distress shows a person what they should stay away from. It allows a person to find new ways to distract themselves and develop themselves. The most difficult feeling to experience is distress. If this emotional state does not direct a person to new searches, it becomes harmful.
Dose is Poison
Negative emotions are instructive. However, as is the case with fear and anxiety, the dose is poison. It is the destructive effect that comes with an excessive dose that causes us to avoid experiencing these emotions and limit our purpose in life to happiness.
Prolonged and intense emotions do not benefit the person, but harm them. In fact, this situation is also valid for positive emotions. Because when a person perceives the world, they start from their own emotions and it becomes difficult for them to understand the seriousness of what is happening around them. Decisions made under the influence of intense emotions can lead to consequences that can put both themselves and those around them at risk and cause distress. Happiness experienced excessively and at the wrong time, and attempted to be achieved through wrong means and personal interests, can lead to negative experiences⁵. For these reasons, it is necessary to know how to react to these emotions as well as to recognize them. The response we give to events is closely related to which emotion regulation strategy we use.
Some emotion regulation strategies can be classified as facilitating adaptation to experiences, and therefore healthy (adaptive); while others can be classified as unhealthy and making adaptation difficult (maladaptive).⁶ According to this distinction, healthy strategies that facilitate adaptation turn negative emotions into opportunities, while the use of unhealthy and making adaptation difficult leads experiences to crisis. Those who have difficulty managing their negative emotions blame themselves or others, get stuck on what they have experienced, evaluate what happened to them as a disaster or suppress their emotions for a long time. Those who can manage their negative emotions accept the situation, focus on what they have, learn from what they have experienced, relax themselves by thinking about worse situations that could happen to them, and re-plan their steps by focusing on how they can manage the situation. Accepting the situation helps the person think more rationally about their future plans.
Conclusion
People want to be happy. They also accept happiness as having more things that can be obtained through money, staying away from things that will cause trouble and not experiencing negative emotions. However, joy, liveliness and enthusiasm, which are the determinants of happiness, tend to direct the person towards superficial relationships, pleasure, arrogance and boasting that arise as a result of excessive confidence and high-risk behaviors. Emotions that seem negative and are generally avoided actually develop the person. Avoiding these emotions and living life based only on positive emotions is an unrealistic, superficial and artificial life. Because these emotions that exist in life and human nature are reflections of experiences in human history and both facilitate the person’s adaptation and mature, deepen and give him wisdom. Doing good, appreciating what you have, being helpful and generous cannot be realized in a world where only joy and enthusiasm are experienced. Thus, while a person embraces life with all its richness on the one hand, he also develops empathy and understanding for those less fortunate than him, and while helping them, he also develops himself.
(*) This article is included in a more detailed form in the book Hayatın Hakını Vermek published by Doğan Kitap, with its references. It has been shortened as Wednesday Article.
