The most essential life skills are taught in kindergarten. “Say ‘please’ when you want something,” “Say ‘thank you’ when someone gives you something,” “Get in line,” “Don’t take something that belongs to someone else; if you need it, ask for it,” “Say ‘sorry’ if you hurt someone’s feelings,” “Use ‘you’ when speaking to adults,” “Cover your mouth with your hand when you yawn,” “Clean up your own mess…” These reminders go on and on.
Then there are the seemingly endless table manners that accompany these kindergarten reminders. “Wash your hands before sitting down to eat,” “Don’t start eating before the host (or elders) begins,” “Don’t eat with your hands,” “Use the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right,” “Serve others before helping yourself,” “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” “Don’t chew with your mouth open,” “Don’t smack your lips,” “Don’t slurp your soup,” “Don’t spit the olive pit from your mouth onto the plate,” “Don’t tear the bread with your mouth…”
Every parent has said these and similar phrases to their children countless times every day. If you think back to your own childhood, you’ll remember the days when you were sick of hearing these words from your own parents. As I’ve raised my own children, I’ve always wondered how I could say these things without sounding annoying or boring. I know from my own children that the manners I tried to teach them were, to them, “boring and meaningless rituals belonging to the adult world.” I remember struggling to explain to them that these rules—many of which I also found meaningless and unnecessary in my own childhood—are actually part of evolution and make it easier for them to live in society.
Humans have lived in communities since the very beginning of their existence on Earth. Manners, politeness, and courtesy are reflected in behavior. Etiquette, on the other hand, consists of behavioral principles that define how one should act in specific situations within society, and at its core lies the idea of “considering others.” Etiquette rules facilitate communal living. They distinguish us from lower forms of life and form the foundation of socialization. The principles of being well-mannered and polite remain constant over time, but etiquette rules can change. Thanks to these qualities, people have protected their health by establishing basic hygiene principles—such as avoiding the transmission of germs and viruses from one another—and have also gained the ability to live together more harmoniously by restraining their impulses.
Impulse control
The most significant step in human social evolution occurs during the transition from childhood to adolescence. This step involves controlling impulses and develops in parallel with the evolution of the brain. It requires the individual to say “stop” to the voice within. Saying “stop” to that inner voice means either suppressing a socially inappropriate desire or delaying something that would bring immediate pleasure in order to receive a greater reward later. This trait forms the foundation for the development of conscience in later years. Thus, the individual reaches a level of maturity where they forgo actions that would benefit them in the short term and instead engage in activities that are beneficial to themselves and others. If they step outside of this, they feel shame and guilt. Shame is among the most valuable emotions that make a person human. If a person does something wrong, their “conscience” causes them distress. The conscience exists to cause distress. There is no such thing as a “comforting” conscience. The starting point of this journey is learning the rules of etiquette and courtesy in childhood. A person’s ability to consider the existence of others and realize that the world does not revolve around them also forms the foundation of empathy.
Etiquette helps children live in harmony with their surroundings, facilitating their socialization and fostering closer relationships with those around them. In this way, children learn what behaviors cause others to distance themselves from them. Etiquette evolves over time, and there are numerous examples of this. For example, the Western custom of a man bowing to a woman introduced to him at a gathering and lightly kissing her hand is no longer an expected behavior today. Similarly, it was once accepted that a woman did not need to stand up to shake hands with someone younger or a man. However, today it is frowned upon for a male visitor to shake hands while seated when visiting a female manager’s office.
Manners and the courtesy that stems from them, however, are timeless. It is well known that polite people who adhere to the principles of good manners are perceived more positively by those around them. Courtesy—the reflection of one’s upbringing in behavior—leaves a positive impression on others and influences them. Work environments consist of people with different personality traits and from diverse socio-cultural backgrounds. In such an environment, acting in accordance with the principles of good manners and being polite facilitates maintaining good relationships with others and accessing organizational resources. This, in turn, helps the individual stand out and be recognized in the workplace.
Speaking loudly in public, listening to music, disturbing others by talking on a cell phone, and eating strongly scented foods at work or in crowded places are signs of a lack of manners. The fact that bad manners and behavior that disregards others are on the rise and are increasingly overlooked does not mean that such behavior is normal. Politeness and courtesy are not merely about not disturbing others, but about being disturbed by others’ discomfort.
Family Upbringing
Family upbringing is a concept I used to hear frequently in the past but rarely hear discussed today. The traits I listed above are learned within the family starting from a young age. A child does not possess the ability to think abstractly until the age of 11. They understand words in the language in their concrete meanings. If an adult tells a child under 10, “You’ve swallowed the pill,” and the child is hearing this for the first time, they will respond, “I didn’t swallow the pill”; until the child’s brain reaches the maturity to grasp abstract concepts, “good, right, and beautiful” are behaviors approved by parents and the environment and are acquired through imitation. Thus, the child is raised to be accepted within the community. For this reason, this set of rules is called “family upbringing.” In adult life, this is referred to as “manners.”
Today, the acceleration of rural-to-urban migration has led to the prevalence of more casual and natural behaviors—which are considered normal in rural areas—in urban life. The frequent portrayal of these behaviors in print and visual media, coupled with the fact that even families who have received formal education now view these behaviors as normal, has resulted in this shift. For example, addressing someone you’ve just met as “you” is considered natural. Similarly, seeing someone cover their mouth while yawning has become a rare occurrence.
After the age of 11, a child moves out of the influence of their parents and into the sphere of their “peers,” and the rules of the social environment they enter begin to take precedence. During adolescence, these rules are viewed by the young person as a “burden,” “unnecessary rules invented by adults,” “nonsense,” or “unnecessary laws imposed by the elderly to interfere with young people’s lives and behavior.” During this period, the attitude of “being natural” and “living as one feels” takes precedence. For this reason, eating with one’s hands and passing gas aloud are considered normal and defended. If etiquette has become ingrained in a child’s being and is applied automatically, the rebellion of adolescence fades away. Once the prefrontal cortex in the brain matures enough to inhibit impulses, what was learned in the family environment during childhood becomes a “second nature” and accompanies the individual throughout their life.
Conclusion
Politeness and courtesy are virtues. Being well-mannered, treating people with kindness and politeness, and acting in accordance with etiquette are not absolutely essential for living and surviving. We see that people can live without these things. One person might eat lunch by splitting a half-loaf of bread in half and stuffing a piece of cheese inside. Another person might eat a triangular slice of cheese cut with a knife and fork from a porcelain plate on a table covered with a white tablecloth. Both would have eaten cheese and bread for lunch, but in different ways. Similarly, adhering to etiquette and being polite in the workplace is noticeable and enhances one’s personal reputation.
