There are three important decisions people make in their lives. These are the answers to the questions “Where will I live?”, “What will I do?”, and “Who will I do it with?” Until a century ago, making these decisions was easy for the vast majority of people. People lived where they were born, men followed their fathers’ trade, and women married and lived within their families’ close circle. However, today, choosing a career and choosing a spouse are two of the most important decisions people must make.
One of the biggest misconceptions about choosing a spouse or partner is the belief that people value certain qualities over others. When asked what qualities they seek in a prospective partner, general characteristics like kindness, sensitivity, affection, and protectiveness often dominate. Those who make these statements about partner selection believe they are unique in their choices. Yet, this quest applies to people almost everywhere. Numerous studies have confirmed that men and women have different reasons for choosing a spouse and partner, and that women are more selective than men. Men’s decisions are driven primarily by appearance and sexual attractiveness, while women’s decisions are driven by the man’s income and opportunities.
What do we really choose?
In a study of 9,800 people from 37 different cultures (1), Shackleford and colleagues suggested that people’s compatibility in a long-term relationship depends on their preferences on four dimensions:
- Sociality-Religious compatibility
- Love-Status and wealth
- Commitment/stability-Beauty (handsomeness)/health
- Education/intelligence-Homestead/childcare
This comprehensive study revealed that men seek physical attractiveness, good health, childcare, and homemaking in prospective spouses, while women seek maturity, loyalty, education, social status, and economic stability. Considering the variables mentioned above, men prioritize love, beauty/health, domesticity/childcare, while women prioritize education/intelligence, status and wealth, and commitment/balance. In terms of social and religious compatibility, women place slightly more importance on social compatibility, while men place slightly more importance on religious compatibility.
The research by Fisman et al. (2) is of particular importance. This research was conducted in the “speed dating” environment, which is common in the United States. It was found that the most sought-after characteristics in the opposite sex by men and women entering this environment to find a partner were attractiveness, sincerity, intelligence, cheerfulness, ambition, and shared interests. Among these, attractiveness, intelligence, and ambition were found to be the most important. This study, like other studies, revealed that men prioritize physical attractiveness, while women prioritize intelligence, and that being raised in the same environment is a reason for this preference. This study highlights a significant difference between the two genders. Men tend to avoid this characteristic when they perceive a woman’s intelligence and ambition to exceed their own. An interesting finding of this study is that as the number of options increases (the group size increases), women become more indecisive.
A key strength of arranged marriages is that families prioritize “value compatibility,” a crucial aspect of a life together. A second benefit of this method is that it significantly eliminates the bad habits that can make a relationship unviable. Eli J. Finkel, an expert on male-female relationships and a self-described “attractionist,” studied people’s statements about hypothetical partners, their choices based on photos, and the situations that arise when they meet these individuals in a speed dating setting (3). The statements given a week prior revealed that men valued physical attractiveness more than women, while women valued earnings more than men, with both sexes placing equal importance on personality. However, the study’s most interesting finding was that, contrary to previous statements, physical attractiveness played a role in women’s preferences after the encounter. This research reveals that even those who said physical attractiveness wasn’t important actually did.
Almost all of these studies, except for the cross-cultural one, were conducted among university students or graduate students. Finkel, in a study of 502 individuals with an average age of 41, 56 percent of whom were in romantic relationships, first questioned their preferences and then, after 2.5 years, examined the characteristics of their partners in ongoing or terminated relationships. This revealed a weak correlation between individuals’ self-reported behaviors and their choices (4). It appears that the “chemical compatibility” mentioned in many self-reports is merely nominal. Verbal statements are valid only when a person states whether they prefer their coffee sweet or black, or whether they prefer water or soda with their meals. However, these preliminary statements are understood to be of little value in the emotional realm of hormone-driven decisions such as partner selection.
The Internet Age
In the internet age, the nature of decisions made on important matters like love and marriage has changed. The online partner and friend-finding industry has reportedly reached $2.4 billion, and 38 percent of young Americans use dating sites. Today’s young people have a wider range of choices than those in their fifties could ever imagine. However, this vast pool undoubtedly presents as many challenges as it does opportunities for those who join it. Barry Schwartz, author of The Abundance Paradox, divides those making the decision into two groups: “conviction seekers” and “perfection seekers.” As we noted in the research above, when options increase and people believe that finding perfection is possible, they become indecisive. This is because the choices they make often turn out not to be what they truly desire.
Searching for a partner online is like trying to judge the taste of a cookie based on the label. Trying to understand people based on their stated personal characteristics is like trying to judge the taste of a food based on its chemical composition, and it overwhelmingly ends in disappointment.
There’s a striking parallel between the CVs prepared by online dating and marriage sites and those produced by headhunters who find high-paying executives for companies. In both types of CVs, individuals are described as “as close to perfect as possible.” This is why these sites have been called “circuses of self-deception.” The defining characteristic of these sites isn’t the written profile itself, but the accompanying image. A study conducted by OkCupid reported that the photo posted on the site is more effective than the written profile (5). Another study conducted by the same site reported that the most frequently discussed topics were smoking, political preferences, and opinions on having children.
Conclusion
There are some basic, relatively unchanging and frequently recurring characteristics that emerge in mate and partner selection, both through internet use and online dating sites. These are: appearance is the determining factor in men’s choices, regardless of previous statements, while income, education, and intelligence are the determining factors in women’s choices. This is quite understandable from an evolutionary psychology perspective. While evolutionary psychologists seek healthy and beautiful offspring who will best represent their lineage, women seek mates who will best provide for themselves and their children (6). Interestingly, throughout this recurring process, everyone believes their own choices are special and unique.
(*) This article was taken from the book Akılsız Duyguların Cezasını Kararlar Çeker (Remzi Kitabevi) with minor changes.
Resources
- Shackelford TD, Schmitt DP, Buss DM. Universal dimensions of human mate preferences. Personality and Individual Differences 2005; 39(2): 447-458.
- Fisman R ve ark. Gender differences in mate selection: evidence from a speed dating experiment. The Quarterly Journal of Economics 2006; 673-697.
- Finkel EJ, Eastwick, PW. Speed-dating. Current Directions in Psychological Science 2008; 17: 193-197.
- Eastwick PW, Finkel, EJ, Eagly AH. When and why do ideal partner preferences affect the processes of initiating and maintaining romantic relationships? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2011; 11: 1012-1032.
- Your Looks and Your Inbox [İnternet]. Uygun erişim: http://blog.okcupid.com/in- dex.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/
- Buss DM. Toward an evolutionary psychology of human mating. Behavioral and Brain Sciences 1989; 12(1): 39-49.
